huh... I guess that's it!

Well, I survived. Today was my last day of work, and I am now officially unemployed. I somehow can't believe it's over, though. I've been thinking a lot about my time here, and found it especially cathartic to write my "reflection narrative" for my supervisors at the International Center. It ended up being 10 pages long! Here are some especially good excerpts (this is a LONG post):

What were your three greatest challenges from the Fellowship?

I think most of my challenges have to do with my specific Hillel, particularly stemming from the fact that they never really wanted a JCSC Fellow who would do engagement work on the campuses here, but rather cheap programming staff who would be able to fill in for everything the Jewish Student Life Coordinator could not handle. My greatest challenge, without a doubt, was this overwhelming feeling of constantly having to swim upstream, as I was caught between the expectations of the fellowship (which is what I signed up for) and very real expectations and consequences as envisioned by my supervisor. I felt permanently at odds with my entire staff as to what my work expectations ought to be and how I should go about doing my job. To be honest, after months of struggle and pushing and challenging, I felt it was easiest to simply buckle under the pressure (especially once news of the fellowship’s termination reached me), especially to avoid long “meetings” with my supervisor, whose extremely passive-aggressive management style involved a running tab of all the things I was doing wrong, or could have done better, and absolutely no positive feedback.
This brings me to challenge number two: my supervisor and I are not compatible, and I found him to be extremely difficult to work with. He provided absolutely no direction, but would simply say something like, “organize this program which we’ve done in the past.” If I had any questions, such as, “where did we do this program in the past?” or, “how many people should I expect for this program?” or, “who should I talk to about this?” or “how much should I budget for this program?” he would simply reply that he didn’t like to micro-manage and that I could figure that out by myself, or that I should just trust my instincts. Except— after the event or program was all over, he would say, “you should have called so and so,” or, “why didn’t you order pizzas ahead of time,” or, you spent too much money on this,” or a number of other comments that would have been extremely helpful to me while I was in the planning process. He never, not once in the entire school year, congratulated me on a successful program or thanked me for my hard work. Rather, he would attribute a successful program to the “ebb and tide” of involvement on campus, completely ignoring the many long hours I had spent advertising, putting up flyers, and calling students. Every time I attempted new programs that were intended to be low-barrier or high-impact, I was met with resistance. In particular, I had begun working on a program that involved the MSA and other Christian organizations—and although this program would have involved a lot of work and planning (on the part of me and my supervisor), it was absolutely possible to do. Instead of even trying, my supervisor simply said, “the board of directors won’t like it, so it’s not happening,” and would not allow me to pursue it at all. I was up against this kind of attitude on a daily basis.
Finally, I think that even disregarding my particular difficulties with the staff here, the JCSC Fellowship was not exactly suited for a Hillel that serves multi-campuses, medical and law schools, and commuter schools. I had to learn about several different campuses and try to figure out how I would possibly spend enough time on each campus to begin creating relationships with students there. Many of the staple programs and initiatives of other successful JCSC Fellows simply did not make sense here particularly because of time limitations—I really couldn’t successfully replicate or duplicate programs on different campuses. I faced different challenges than many other Hillels, and although I met other Fellows experiencing similar issues on their campuses through my Team phone calls, I found that I had to make my own path at every moment.

What are your constructive recommendations for your Hillel moving forward, specifically regarding engagement?

I have thought about this a lot during my tenure here, and I think that what it really comes down to is that you really have to buy into what you’re doing, and you have to actually do what you say you’re doing. My Hillel is simply not interested in engagement, as defined by the JCSC Fellowship and the International Center. It’s not that my Hillel doesn’t understand what this model is, or how it’s supposed to work, but rather that they do not see particular value in attempting to change the way this institution operates. Hillel has a fairly firm institutional memory, and generally speaking the kinds of programs we do here are programs we’ve done in the past, programs which often reach only the core group of engaged students and serve no other purpose than to fill space on the calendar (why do we need to have so many programs like “paint your own pottery at the Mad Potter?” there’s NO Jewish content and the same 10 people always come. And yet we continue to have it on the calendar year after year. And the JCSC has to do it) as “social” programming. It makes no sense, then, to hire staff to do “engagement” work when what is expected from that staff member is the same old programming. The few low-barrier programs we managed to have on campuses were completely my doing, and were met with negative feedback and questioning from my supervisor (yes, I spent money buying honey sticks, hours taping “Have a sweet new year from Hillel” on them, and then handed them out to total strangers. That’s the idea.). If you don’t buy into the engagement model, then it is really doomed for failure from the beginning. It’s like I’ve told students all year—in order to make a successful program, you have to take ownership of it, and really make it your own. If it’s not your own, then it just won’t fly. So, I think what would be helpful and constructive would be for this Hillel to take a good hard look at itself in the mirror, and really come to terms with what it is looking to do. If you don’t agree with the engagement model, then don’t pretend to do it.

This should not be an issue

Sometimes I can't believe that I work for a Jewish organization. Certain issues come up, that really shouldn't. For example, Jews keep kosher (well, some Jews), and especially so on Passover (side note: it's interesting, even though many people don't keep kosher at all during the year, it seems that a lot of Jews make a concerted effort on Passover). I was totally appalled that my supervisor, who is a Rabbi, was unaware and unconcerned when I pointed out that we had not made the microwave kosher, and therefore could not heat up left overs for lunch tomorrow. He suggested cleaning the microwave now, which is a problem for a number of reasons:

1. You aren't supposed to have chametz (leavened products) in your possession during Passover. If chametz is in your possession, it absolutely should not have anything to do with food preparation during the holiday.

2. If you went through that strange loophole of selling your chametz (a lot of Jews sell their leavened products to a neighbor or other organization, whereby through a legal contract they no longer own the chametz. They can leave it in their houses and simply buy it back after the holiday) you don't own those items anymore. Because we sold our chametz, we cannot, because of the legal contract we made, touch any of it. Which means no microwave cleaning.

3. It is dishonest in that the holiday started over the weekend and we advertised Kosher for Passover meals for all the students that come to the lounge during the week. So, we should be able to provide actual Kosher for Passover meals, and not just say we do. Furthermore, these are people's religious beliefs and practices! It is absolutely NOT alright to skimp or be lazy about these things, simply because it's easier.

4. This is not what pluralism is about. I have previously complained that pluralism is not about the frummiest common denominator, but I also have to say that it's not about the most convenient denominator. Just because my supervisor is a Reform Rabbi does not mean that he should expect everybody else to practice Judaism the same way he does. We need to make everybody comfortable here, not just the reform students and (ahem) staff. If we really want to be pluralist, we must accommodate observant students as well as non-observant students. That's what pluralism means. Or should mean, anyways.

This just really grinds my gears. I realize more and more that this is not the right organization for me, and that I really disagree with my supervisor about SOOO many things. It seems ridiculous to me that this is my first real work experience, and that I already understand that this really is not the way to do things.

musings

I can't believe I haven't written anything in a month! I've had a lot of new Jewish experiences I could/should write about, but I think I'm going to ramble on now about time.

My, how the speed at which time passes seems to change. All throughout this year, it seemed as if time was creeping along at the pace of a hippo, trundling along though the forest (i.e. VERY SLOWLY) and stopping to eat berries along the way. But now, it seems as if the time hippo has morphed into some sort of race car, speeding down the racetrack at 160 mph. Crazy. It's so strange, that along this whole way all these life-cycle events pop up. During a particularly fast lap around the track, I had an interview in Ohio, and then immediately flew back to RI for my grandfather's shiva. Oh, and my friend Jewish Gal got engaged! It seems just like a whole lot going on... and in T minus 1 month, I will have officially finished my year at Hillel. Thank goodness. And soon I will be moving home, and then to Boston (Boston area, anyways), and starting grad school. Soon, very soon.

So, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, but in any case, I need to go kascher my kitchen. Happy Passover, to anybody reading this (anybody?)

I am not your secretary

My job is the down and dirty of a non-profit. I get my hands wet, so to speak, in the actual mission of the organization. There are many aspects to make an organization run, and these aspects are all valuable and necessary. I would venture to say, however, that some positions are more vital than others. And considering the fact that I actually work with the students in this campus-based organization, I would venture to say that my position is pretty freaking important. I am making the main purpose of the organization possible. And yet, I am constantly treated with little regard, no respect, and no thanks for the amount and kind of work that I do.

At a dreaded board of directors meeting tonight, one of the members actually had the gumption to ask if I would "be a dear and go ahead and make 20 copies of this for the board, I just don't know how to use the copy machine." BULLSHIT. Yes, you do know how to make copies. This is not exactly a new technology. The point is, however, that this is not my job. It is not my job to run every errand, to return speaker systems or pick up packages. It is certainly not my job to make copies.

I think what bothers me so much is that I'm considered expendable. I'll be leaving in a few months, so who cares if I feel demeaned and belittled? Forget about praise or congratulations or even just a little pat on the back.

I feel like I've really gotten the short end of the stick, here. I think that not all campus organizations are as ridiculous as mine; somehow or other, I ended up here. I have to deal with it until I can leave, and if nothing else I've learned a great deal about management. Specifically, I've learned about how not to treat employees. Clearly, the way I've been treated is not the way you treat somebody you want to stick around.

Jewish Music

I've been thinking a lot about Jewish music lately, as I've been to a number of Jewish concerts. The idea of a Jewish band is nothing new, that's for sure, but it's really interesting to see what Jewish musicians are doing now.

First, we've got Rick Recht, who came to perform for the Religious School where I teach. In case you don't know, Rick Recht is kind of like Christian rock, but for Jews. He uses some Hebrew, but also a lot of English. There's a lot of clapping, and audience participation, and his music sounds like any lite-rock band. I have to say, despite the obvious qualms I have (er... not the biggest fan of his music, plus, there's something sort of weird and crowd controlling about his music), he does some really interesting things. One of his biggest projects is a multi-faith music group that performs at a mega-church in the south. It's much needed, and really a cool way to get different people together.

I also got to see Hadag Nachash this week. I have to say, I love Hadag Nachash. They were performing at a big Israel party, and because this party was on a college campus, there were anti-Israel protesters. When Hadag Nachash came out on stage, they started their show by greeting the Palestinians, saying that they are all about peace in the middle east. Their first song was called "shalom salaam peace," and included an Arabic rap about peace in Jerusalem. It was really wonderful and amazing.

On Friday night, Golem played a show.
I had never seen Golem before, and only sort of knew their music. Basically, Golem is a Yiddish rock band. They are amazing. One of the reasons I think Golem is so wonderful is because of the way they work with tradition. They took some classic Yiddish songs and really made them their own, with their own sound and style. It's the way Judaism has to move forward-- we ought not forget about our history and traditions, but we have to make all of it our own, and make it for now.

Basically, I think that it is through such avenues as Jewish music and Jewish bands that this contemporary Jewish culture is evolving. These bands create a sort of cultural pride, and take pride in themselves. Their projects propel us further along.

It's the end of the world as I know it

That's right, friends. I just got news that the JCSC Fellowship is being discontinued. I am the last Fellow to work at my Hillel. Apparently, somebody realized that there's an even cheaper way to get the job done. Why bother paying salaries when you can get students to do it for free?

I have to say, I feel a bit relieved. I don't have to try to pretend anymore that I've enjoyed this fellowship. I don't have to lie through interviews with candidates, and tell them all they want to know about Hillel. I'm glad that no poor soul will have to experience this job here again. I think that, although it's not like this everywhere, my Hillel has abused the fellowship. My supervisor said it himself, he treats Fellows more like full time program staff who are just less well paid. Fellows are expected to shlep, plan programs, and do the general bidding of the Hillel at large, all while working wayyy over 40 hours a week, receiving a $22,000 a year living stipend (NOT INCLUDING TAXES), and being treated not like real professionals.

[caveat: Don't get me wrong, this has been a very valuable experience. I have sooo much more of a clue as to what I want to do with myself. I now know that the Jewish communal world has some major issues to be worked out, and that I can be a part of that solution. That I can find positions higher up and make structural and organizational changes. It's really a shame that I had to find this out through such poor mistreatment. And I have to say, I really think that I've been mistreated here]

I feel like laughing, just to spite my supervisor. This is what you get!

That being said, there are some HUGE problems that arise out of this change. The first is that 70 campuses and people are shit out of luck. Hillel had been accepting applications for the position for next year, and even encouraging us to recruit for more applicants (um, and outright lying to us at Professional Staff Conference... but that's something else altogether). All those people who were counting on the job for next year now have nothing. And all those Hillels who had fellows now have to totally rearrange their budgets to figure out if they can afford to hire somebody else. It's a messy situation.

and that's a wrap for today's rant, boys and girls.

In which I ramble about Jewish identity. or: an excerpt from my graduate school application statement of purpose

The concept of Jewish identity is changing. The award-winning documentary, “The Tribe,” puts forth the idea that every group has a number of sub-groups contained within itself. The Tribe refers specifically to the overarching group of The Jews, and contained within this group are all the different kinds of people who are identified as Jewish: Reform Jews, Orthodox Jews, Cultural Jews, Atheist Jews, Bacon-eating Jews, Blond-haired-blue-eyed Jews, Feminist Jews, etc. Although an individual may only choose to self-identify with one of these sub-groups, the message espoused by “The Tribe” is that any kind of self-identification whatsoever is a connecting factor to the group at large, and is seen as a tie to the polymorphous global Jewish community (and beyond that to the Human community).
The sentiment expressed by this important documentary is quite lovely. However, there are several rather practical implications that arise from this very real model of self-identity: the Jewish community is fragmented by all these divisions; people may describe themselves in a multitude of ways, but in actuality have no corresponding, physical sub-community with which to participate; individuals who relate to less orthodox modes of identity feel alienated by larger community groups; people who are seeking content are often met with fluff (a good example of this is Heeb magazine, which is supposed to be a publication offering alternatives to the “traditional” views of Judaism, but instead prints articles about bagels and lox, leaving a rather hollow impression of Judaism) and feel dissatisfied and further distanced.
A number of social factors have contributed to changing avenues of identity and the correlating issues associated with community. Because of integration into a general American society, second and third generation Jewish-Americans offer their children little in the way of Jewish education, or are themselves estranged from Jewish communal organizations. The direction of the general American society which these Jews are so closely tied is also clearly impactful, in terms of identity: American culture teaches a very specific mixture of suspicion, pride, and aloofness, which is often prohibitive of real community building, content, and connection.
I do not believe that there is any one real solution to these types of issues, except to expect that Jewish organizations must realize these trends in the wider population and begin to respond. It is clear to me that many Jewish communal organizations cling to one historical framework, which often does not allow room for flexibility. Part of the solution must include changes in the educational systems of such organization—if children have positive experiences, hopefully they will not migrate to the periphery of the community. As well, Jewish organizations must adapt and embrace a new understanding of what this shift in identity really means. Certainly, Jewish community cannot continue to operate in the same traditional manner without risking complete societal irrelevance and antiquation.